Pay attention y'all - this is award winning stuff.  I read this yesterday for my school's Research and Creative Works Conference, where it tied for third. Out of four entries. (I'm still laughing about it.)

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Four Rules (For My Funeral)

         If you are reading this, congratulations. You’ve been selected to organize my funeral, and this probably means that you were very close to me. This also means that I should acknowledge the fact that your friend is no longer on this earth and realize the pain that comes with such a loss. I’m sorry that I cannot be there to comfort you, but if I’ve done life right, I’ll be in a better place. So don’t be upset. But if you want to be sad, I’d rather it be because I passed before we got to go to a Beyonce concert or go indoor skydiving together, and not because you are sad for the life un-lived.

        In the wake of such an event, you have been charged with a huge task: sending me off to the next life. Don’t worry though—this document contains all my thoughts, so there really is little planning involved. You just have to put it all together and send out the invites. Easy.

         Rule 1. (and I cannot stress the importance of this detail) I do NOT want an open-casket affair. I don’t need people passing by during the viewing with trite comments like, “She looks so peaceful.” Never have I seen any person that I love, after they have died, and walked away feeling like it was an uplifting experience. There was no closure. I realize that this is not the case for everyone, but I have never enjoyed it, so I am going to revoke that privilege. Sorry about it.

If it is closure you are looking for, then surely there is something better you can come up with then looking at my dead body. Perhaps you can go on the dream trip that you’ve always wanted to take, and you can put my picture in a locket and symbolically “take me with you.” That’s a touching gesture, I think.

Rule 2. Please invite the different teachers and professors that influenced me over the years. This request is especially intended for Mr. Russo from senior year. In my teenage angst, I did not appreciate his efforts to help me understand chemistry, but like most teachers who are new to the game, he did not give up. I would not have graduated high school without him—I mean, actually.

      Rule 3. A curse upon you and your posterity if you serve ham and “funeral potatoes.” Am I no different than the others who have gone before me? Why are we wasting our time with frozen potato cubes? I insist that Kelsi Wright prepare a three- course meal—Caesar Salad, Chicken-Fettuccine Alfredo with freshly grated cheese, and various flavors of pie for the luncheon.

        I want you all to eat like royalty, for crying out loud. If my death has not reminded you of the frailty of life, let my menu remind you that it should be lived without regret. Treat yourself to two or three pieces of pie.

Rule 4. I do not want this to be a sad event. Under no circumstances is Meghan Kelly allowed to speak—she never has a nice thing to say about anything, it seems. Do not ask my friend Mitchell either, as he will inevitably wax on about the emptiness that accompanies death and depress us all tremendously. Instead, ask Amy Ham or one of my grandmothers, as they are some of the few who think I am wonderful and see me in a golden, impenetrable light.

        I would like for there be a collection of my favorite animal videos. Do not let this video exceed over two minutes—brevity is key here. Include lots of sloths, as well as the clip of the guy beatboxing to a goat. If some audience members don’t laugh, kindly re-seat them at the back of the room. This obviously indicates that they were not close enough to me in life to understand that this junk was funny to me, and do not deserve to sit next to my family and other people who were.

        I also think it would be a good idea to throw in some humorous anecdotes about my life. Feel free to share the time I accidentally used the men’s bathroom at a friend’s show, or the fact that my mom had to dope me up with Benadryl when I was a toddler, just to take me to church.
        If you must cry, let it be out of joy found in old memories and not because you are upset about my passing.

       I love you and I know you will honor my wishes and throw me the best funeral I could ever have. I will watch from the heavens and smile upon you.

- Lexie

P.S. Go ahead and send an invite to Beyonce, even though I know she won’t go. I’ll tell myself that it was because she was too busy doing charity work in Liberia or something, but send one anyways.