Thursday, August 7, 2014

The last two weeks I've been really bummed as I've been searching for a job...or just a sense of direction in general. I'll set an hour or two aside to job search every day. I've got family and friends on the lookout for me, and I appreciate it - it's really great of them, but so far, nothing has come of it. There have been a few rejections, but mostly, I don't hear back from people and we all know how frustrating that is.

And that's how I end up feeling at the end of these sessions - frustrated, disappointed, and upset. It's hard not to feel hopeless when you are actively participating in something that causes you to feel like you're not good enough, you're not qualified, or that everything you've done has been a waste of time.  It's hard not to feel like a failure when you have no friends nearby to comfort you, or feel like anyone takes notice of you at all. Of course this isn't true, but this is a difficult thing to remind yourself every single day.

The other day I was feeling depressed about it, so I thought, "Maybe I just need to have a good cry. I'll just listen to some sad music and get out all of the things that are annoying me." I thought about it for a minute and then decided - what's the point of that? I'm usually an advocate of crying, at least for myself, but I failed to see how it would help me in this situation.

I sat and thought about it some more, and came to the conclusion that I just need to pick positivity, and choose to be happy. Just like that. And it wasn't like a wave of warmth and compassion washed over me and my troubles were instantly consoled, but it felt real. I could see the hardships in my mind. All of the disappointment and exasperation would probably continue (as life does), but I knew that once I changed the way I saw things, I would find a happiness or joy that was more comforting.

I went through my quotes board on Pinterest to try to find something nice to put with this post. I couldn't choose one, so I picked these four that all have something to do with how I'm feeling. I'm sure it's how a lot of us are feeling.

So I guess what I want to say is this: even when it's so so hard and you don't know where to turn next, and you don't feel as strong as you actually are, do whatever you need to to muster up the smallest bit of hope and keep on going. Choose happiness and positivity. Choose to say: I'm not going to let this get me down. There are so many people that believe in you, even when you feel alone. But remember that it's you that has carried you through every hard time and it is you that saw things through till the end. Do whatever you need to to cultivate that hope in your heart, because that is what's going to help you carry on.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Hello. I finally have time to sit and blog again.

Only this time, I am a graduate. I posted this on insta and fb, but I'll post it here anyways. I was overwhelmed of feelings of gratitude for all of the people in my life.

"There are so many people in my life that helped me get here, and I wish there was a way that I could adequately express my gratitude. But just know that if there was a time you helped me, were a friend to me, or taught me in some way, I am very grateful for all of you. I would not be the person I am without all of the wonderful and lovely people in my life. Thank you."

 It feels weird. People keep asking if I'm excited and if I feel any different, and the only thing I can describe to them is when it's like your 17th birthday or something, and people ask, "Do you feel older?" And you think, "Of course I don't feel older, I was only 16 yesterday. I'm suddenly going to feel an entire year older in one day?"

But that sort of response is sassy. So instead, you smile and nod your head absentmindedly, take a sip of whatever it is you're drinking and look for the nearest exit.

My other least favorite question is, "So now what are you up to?" I understand it's all coming from a place of good intentions, but A. it reaffirms my dislike for small talk, and B. it makes me insecure because I've got no freakin clue what I'm up to now. 

All I know is that finding a job is difficult when I was hoping it would be less so when I had a degree under my belt. I'm struggling to find see how I'm qualified to work at my grocery store - meanwhile, I'm wondering how all of these high school kids do so well. It makes me feel like a bit of a loser and a failure, so I just have to stop thinking about it and apply to more places. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I want to live. But I do have time to read the books I want or go outside for a bike ride, and that is all quite lovely.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Ok I'm gonna do a quick catch-up of the last few weeks.

- I got a package from my better half, Brianne. It was full of perfect inside joke things between us and ugh she just gets me you guys.
- I started being really good about going to the gym and was looking stuff up about how to like, actually tone your thighs and stuff. Is this what adulthood it like?
- And of course, when I started getting into a good groove, I got sick with a cold but I am a miserable baby when I get sick. So I attempted to get stuff done, but that is difficult when your head is full of snot. TMI sorry.
- I made a twitter a few weeks ago, deleted it, then reactivated it again? Why? Who could know. I mostly use it to say things that I would never say on facebook. With most social media sites, there are days when I love it and days when I'm disgusted with myself when I consider making an account.
- Various freak outs/calm downs about what job I'm going to have/where I'm going to live/how I will acquire money to survive.
- I pretty much hang out with no one now, and I'm just focused on trying to graduate without dying in the next 4 weeks. Sometimes I get really depressed about having no friends, and other times, I'm thinking, "Who cares? I'm leaving anyways." And it's a very confusing time.

So on that note, you probs won't hear from me for a while. I've got so much to do, it's insane. But it's going to be fine, soon enough. Things are good. You can stalk me on those social media sites we talked about, but I don't know who else reads this blog besides Russian porn sites. I don't know why they're drawn to my humble little blog.

Ok bye.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Grab your torch and pitchforks I guess. There's something that I want to get off my chest.

Today I sat in Relief Society and participated in a lesson about Priesthood. Of course, that lead to the discussion of Ordain Women. I always get nervous about that, so I made my comments and then listened - as I like to do that and then sort out all my thoughts as the hour goes on. This wasn't the first time Ordain Women has been mentioned, but I feel like this was one of the first times that I was involved in a discussion about it.

And I can't tell you how disappointed I was.

First of all, when I see people writing about Ordain Women, I often see how quick they are to say "I'm not with them!"

I'm not with or against anybody, but I do want to say this: I know that the power of the Priesthood is a wonderful thing in my life, and brings me comfort. Without it I could not have been baptized, go to the temple, have a Patriarchal Blessing, etc. etc. I also know that one of the main purposes of the Priesthood, is to serve and assist others, and act in the name of Christ. Men cannot use these for themselves - they cannot lay their hands on their own head to give themselves a blessing, they must go turn to someone else.

But this question of whether women should be able to have the Priesthood has brought up many more questions regarding the role of women in the church. So instead of making any sort of argument for or against OW, I just want to talk about the reactions that I've been seeing concerning the movement.

More than anything, it's really distressing to see the type of "Other-ing" that is taking place. When O.W. gained recognition in 2013, I mostly saw it from men - really vile comments that showed me that misogyny/sexism is alive and well, friends!
(Think something along the lines of "Learn your place and go make me a sandwich." Really sad, but true. I wish I had taken a screenshot, but at the same time, I'm glad I didn't.) But today I experienced it from my fellow Sisters in Relief Society as well, and it really let me down.

There were comments about how "these women squawking down in front of the Conference building" didn't understand the doctrine, and how we couldn't get too upset with them for the things they don't understand. But in the little research I've done, I know that there are so many women apart of the movement who have served missions, gone through the temple, and hold callings in their ward. One girl called them "selfish" for wanting the Priesthood, implying that motherhood is not enough. And knowing that, I just don't know if the girls in my RS were in a place to be making those sort of judgements. There is a difference between not understanding, and holding a different view. And maybe some people apart of OW don't understand doctrine well enough, but I think that can be said for a lot of us. I know I'm no expert on gospel doctrine, but I try. So do you, I bet.

Others argued that the OW "wasn't logical" and just didn't make sense. "I'm so glad I don't have the Priesthood," one girl said. "I don't want that kind of responsibility!"
But it didn't seem like many of them were trying to put themselves in the shoes of the women who do advocate women Priesthood holders. And in that failure to see another's point of view, my RS was distancing themselves farther and farther away from women who are their sisters.

It just made me so uncomfortable to see this not so much as a discussion, but more of an attack - throwing people that they didn't even know under the bus. I understand if they disagree with the movement - I'm perfectly fine with that. But to see all of these comments coming from a place of judgement more than Christ-like love and concern was really disheartening.

I wanted to say something like, "Hey guys, can we settle down here with the bad vibes?" and I was trying to think of a way to say it without getting upset, when another girl raised her hand and basically said the same thing - that we need to stop being so harsh. I was really grateful for her bravery in a room of other girls who were voicing strong opinions.

But man. If the human inability to empathize with one another doesn't disappoint me, I don't know what else does.
Christ loves and welcomes all - even those who are struggling with unpopular questions, and we shouldn't fear those who see things differently. We've got righteous judgement and all that. Feel free to disagree with people who advocate for OW, gay marriage, Obama's policies - whatever it might be - it with love. Pray for understanding and compassion. We (members of the church) are all trying to accomplish the same goal. People who aren't members - they deserve love too. So let's help each other out because life isn't easy, yeah?

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Ok, so I know I posted a song the other day, but I've really been into The 1975 lately and I have to talk about them.
I only remember hearing their song "Chocolate" on the radio a lot last year and I got over it because Alt Nation plays the same 15 songs, so I didn't feel inclined to listen to them. But somewhere along the line, I listened to one or two more of the songs and liked them.

It was only just the other day that I got the whole album, and I really love it. There are few albums I enjoy listening to as a whole, but it really is quite nice. It varies from mellow to upbeat in a very natural sort of way and yeah, I just can't stop listening.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”

 - Roald Dahl

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Sometimes you feel like you were meant to save people, so you do all you can to try to be an example to them. You try to support them and encourage them so they know that someone believes in them, even if they don't believe in themselves yet. You know they'll get there someday. 
But maybe they keep falling short, or even worse, they don't seem compelled to change. And the day you realize that will not be a good one. You sit around feeling like you've failed, thinking to yourself: "I couldn't save them."

But then, sometime later, you come to peace with the situation. You know you've did all you could, and you see that it helps no one if two are drowning - if one is sinking while trying to save the other. You realize that you have to stop giving so much of yourself and your efforts to someone who never asked for your help. And when you have come to terms and you forgive yourself of the guilt, you think, "I couldn't save them." 
That is that.

Thursday was one of the greatest days because I wasn't afraid of what I was going to do after I graduated. I wasn't afraid of leaving Rexburg, and I was open to new opportunities in life.

It was like I could feel the weight lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in a long time I felt free, and I felt like I belonged to me. It's such an incredible state of being.