Saturday, September 20, 2014

This was written on monday after a hard day. I had just started a new job (long story) and I was feeling really isolated, and feeling like moving to Utah was so crazy. There's been a lot of good. There's been so much good, and there have been people who were sent to me when I needed a friend. But there's been a lot of difficulty too - stuff that's really pushed me and caused me to think about who I am, what I'm doing, and who I'm trying to be. 

 "Confession time: life has been hard these past two weeks since I moved to Utah. Almost everything I had planned on turned out differently (but isn't that always how The Lord works?) and there have been some of the loneliest moments of my life. Moments where I don't know what I'm even doing. I've tried really hard to be brave and to have a positive attitude about it, but tonight I hit a wall. Today hit me and things just sort of suck right now. I know that despite everything, I have been blessed in so many ways and I have to hang in there. Tomorrow is a new day to start over. If you're having a rough time too - we're in this together, and even though we can't see the finish line...we're gonna make it."

Anyways, I'm doing better now. I have received so much love and support and it's been overwhelming, but it has been exactly the thing I need to carry on.

Friday, September 19, 2014

A Californian in Utah: Thoughts and Observations

I'll be honest when I say that a lot of these have to do with driving. A lot of my frustrations are because of operator error. But come on, other times y'all are just making things up, I know it.

1. Getting on the freeway is so bizarre to me. Suddenly I'll be on the wrong side of the street and I'll be howling about how I hope I'm not going to crash into someone. (I talk to myself a lot.) Sometimes I disguise it as singing so other drivers won't be too concerned.
2. Why are all the roads constantly under construction? Does it have to do with the weather, continuously ruining the roads? I'm genuinely curious.
3. I don't know if I can assume that everyone knows about church/Mormon things, even if they aren't Mormon? Can I talk about FHE openly and people will know what I'm saying to them?
4. I really do like living so close to the mountains. It's stunning to see as I'm driving to work or to hang out in Provo.
5. I also really like living so close to so many temples.
6. BYU is such a huge campus and it's overwhelming to me, a humble child from a small-town college in Idaho. I mean, they're allowed to wear shorts to school. I get this thrill from being on campus and knowing that I'm not a student there, but no one else does. 
7. I get really excited about thunder/lightening storms because that rarely happens at home, but I guess here it happens a lot?
8. I literally cannot go anywhere without getting lost. Anywhere. The grid makes absolutely no sense to me, because I was taught how to walk like a model instead of learning useful navigation skills as a young woman. It might be too late for me to learn them now. On many occasions, people let out a sigh of exasperation as I call them, half an hour late, telling them I'm lost. "You don't know where EAST is?! North, South, East, West?!? I said N 800 E!" (And in my mind, I picture Pocahontas and that part with her crazy spinning arrow and I get even more confused.) I realize that this is an embarrassing fault.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

I was skyping with my mom last week, but she had to leave, so I just talked to Oliver for 10 minutes because I'm a loser. 
Here he is, wide eyed and alarmed by the fact that he can mysteriously hear my voice without actually having the ability to recognize me on a screen. Unfortunately, Oliver lives exclusively in a 3D world.

 Someone please get me a dog.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

A lot of things have happened since I last wrote. I moved to Utah!
I had a job interview on August 27th, and moved up on the 31st. 

It's been...crazy, hectic, and strangely wonderful, all at the same time. Some people have applauded me for just leaving home like that, and I guess that after a month of job searching and getting absolutely no interviews or anything, I felt like I had to go when the opportunity arose. 

This has been a huge exercise in trusting the Lord, and at first, I thought I was doing pretty well. But on the first day of work and living on my own, I came home feeling a little gloomy.  I was feeling so alone after a stressful day of work, and I started panicking, wondering, "Oh my gosh, what have I done? This is so crazy, what am I doing here? What if this wasn't the right thing to do?"

I will be honest and say it hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been horrible either. I am doing well, even if I am scared sometimes. But after stressful days at work and when loneliness sets in, I have always been comforted. This past week, I have turned to the Lord so often, telling Him about my worries and fears. There is so much to learn at work and I don't feel like I'm very good at it, so I ask for His help that I might grow and be able to handle whatever is given to me. I tell Him that I am in a strange new place and I don't want to be by myself, so He sends me dear friends or loved ones, and that helps me get through another day. He sends me comfort in the little things that I love.

It has been a testament to me that the Lord knows me individually - my thoughts and concerns - and He is listening. He cares about me and though moving to Utah didn't solve all of my problems (and instead gave me different ones), He is leading down a great path. Sometimes I get frustrated that I can't see from the eternal perspective that He has, but it's His way of telling me to me to let go, and to let Him guide the way. Letting go is so so hard, but I remind myself (often) that what I'm feeling and what I'm going through now will not last forever. But in the meantime, all I can do is turn to Him and trust in the plan He has for me.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

The last two weeks I've been really bummed as I've been searching for a job...or just a sense of direction in general. I'll set an hour or two aside to job search every day. I've got family and friends on the lookout for me, and I appreciate it - it's really great of them, but so far, nothing has come of it. There have been a few rejections, but mostly, I don't hear back from people and we all know how frustrating that is.

And that's how I end up feeling at the end of these sessions - frustrated, disappointed, and upset. It's hard not to feel hopeless when you are actively participating in something that causes you to feel like you're not good enough, you're not qualified, or that everything you've done has been a waste of time.  It's hard not to feel like a failure when you have no friends nearby to comfort you, or feel like anyone takes notice of you at all. Of course this isn't true, but this is a difficult thing to remind yourself every single day.

The other day I was feeling depressed about it, so I thought, "Maybe I just need to have a good cry. I'll just listen to some sad music and get out all of the things that are annoying me." I thought about it for a minute and then decided - what's the point of that? I'm usually an advocate of crying, at least for myself, but I failed to see how it would help me in this situation.

I sat and thought about it some more, and came to the conclusion that I just need to pick positivity, and choose to be happy. Just like that. And it wasn't like a wave of warmth and compassion washed over me and my troubles were instantly consoled, but it felt real. I could see the hardships in my mind. All of the disappointment and exasperation would probably continue (as life does), but I knew that once I changed the way I saw things, I would find a happiness or joy that was more comforting.

I went through my quotes board on Pinterest to try to find something nice to put with this post. I couldn't choose one, so I picked these four that all have something to do with how I'm feeling. I'm sure it's how a lot of us are feeling.

So I guess what I want to say is this: even when it's so so hard and you don't know where to turn next, and you don't feel as strong as you actually are, do whatever you need to to muster up the smallest bit of hope and keep on going. Choose happiness and positivity. Choose to say: I'm not going to let this get me down. There are so many people that believe in you, even when you feel alone. But remember that it's you that has carried you through every hard time and it is you that saw things through till the end. Do whatever you need to to cultivate that hope in your heart, because that is what's going to help you carry on.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Hello. I finally have time to sit and blog again.

Only this time, I am a graduate. I posted this on insta and fb, but I'll post it here anyways. I was overwhelmed of feelings of gratitude for all of the people in my life.

"There are so many people in my life that helped me get here, and I wish there was a way that I could adequately express my gratitude. But just know that if there was a time you helped me, were a friend to me, or taught me in some way, I am very grateful for all of you. I would not be the person I am without all of the wonderful and lovely people in my life. Thank you."

 It feels weird. People keep asking if I'm excited and if I feel any different, and the only thing I can describe to them is when it's like your 17th birthday or something, and people ask, "Do you feel older?" And you think, "Of course I don't feel older, I was only 16 yesterday. I'm suddenly going to feel an entire year older in one day?"

But that sort of response is sassy. So instead, you smile and nod your head absentmindedly, take a sip of whatever it is you're drinking and look for the nearest exit.

My other least favorite question is, "So now what are you up to?" I understand it's all coming from a place of good intentions, but A. it reaffirms my dislike for small talk, and B. it makes me insecure because I've got no freakin clue what I'm up to now. 

All I know is that finding a job is difficult when I was hoping it would be less so when I had a degree under my belt. I'm struggling to find see how I'm qualified to work at my grocery store - meanwhile, I'm wondering how all of these high school kids do so well. It makes me feel like a bit of a loser and a failure, so I just have to stop thinking about it and apply to more places. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I want to live. But I do have time to read the books I want or go outside for a bike ride, and that is all quite lovely.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Ok I'm gonna do a quick catch-up of the last few weeks.

- I got a package from my better half, Brianne. It was full of perfect inside joke things between us and ugh she just gets me you guys.
- I started being really good about going to the gym and was looking stuff up about how to like, actually tone your thighs and stuff. Is this what adulthood it like?
- And of course, when I started getting into a good groove, I got sick with a cold but I am a miserable baby when I get sick. So I attempted to get stuff done, but that is difficult when your head is full of snot. TMI sorry.
- I made a twitter a few weeks ago, deleted it, then reactivated it again? Why? Who could know. I mostly use it to say things that I would never say on facebook. With most social media sites, there are days when I love it and days when I'm disgusted with myself when I consider making an account.
- Various freak outs/calm downs about what job I'm going to have/where I'm going to live/how I will acquire money to survive.
- I pretty much hang out with no one now, and I'm just focused on trying to graduate without dying in the next 4 weeks. Sometimes I get really depressed about having no friends, and other times, I'm thinking, "Who cares? I'm leaving anyways." And it's a very confusing time.

So on that note, you probs won't hear from me for a while. I've got so much to do, it's insane. But it's going to be fine, soon enough. Things are good. You can stalk me on those social media sites we talked about, but I don't know who else reads this blog besides Russian porn sites. I don't know why they're drawn to my humble little blog.

Ok bye.